Friday, September 4, 2009

Playing Like We Are Told to Live

I sometimes wonder how people would react if the same principles that govern society were applied to professional athletics.

For example, if we are our brother's keeper, if need is a legitimate claim on the property of others, then shouldn't the New England Patriots give Tom Brady to the Detroit Lions? The Patriots have been the dominant team in the NFL for years, and the Lions desperately need a good season. A trade would be out of the question, because the Patriots would get some value in return (such a trade would probably require half of the Lions team). No, the Patriots should just give Brady away, and their only reward will be the knowledge that they helped someone in need.
Or, why don't we allow the fans to vote on strategy during a major league baseball game. Personally, I am tired of managers making bone-headed decisions. If the bases are loaded and Albert Pujols is coming to the plate, let the fans vote on whether he should be walked or pitched to. Why should the elitist manager get to make all of the decisions? Too often they just go by the statistics, or worse yet, their "gut". What about the will of the people? This is a democracy isn't it?

And speaking of Albert Pujols, I am really tired of watching him beat up on my beloved Astros. He already has 42 home runs and 111 RBIs this season. I think that that is plenty for anyone in a single year. He's just being greedy trying to get more, and I suggest that he sit out the month of September and let someone else get a few dingers and ribbies. I think a law should be passed that sets a limit on how many home runs and RBIs Albert Pujols, Prince Fielder, Adam Dunn, and others are allowed to get in a season. I would argue that anyone wearing an Astros uniform is exempt from the law.

I also think that all of the major sports leagues should implement an affirmative action program. I realize that all of the leagues are racially integrated, but discrimination still persists. As one example, all of the leagues hire only the most talented players. This is very discriminatory against those who have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time. What about their dreams? And other than football, none of the leagues hires the obese, which clearly demonstrates collusion. I think our professional sports teams should reflect society at large, and that means that we should see more fat, balding, middle-age white men playing professional basketball.

As much as I love Tiger Woods, I think his practice should be seriously curtailed. He has become so good that the other players have to spend more time on the range, watch their diets, and many are now even lifting weights. It isn't fair that one enormously talented and hard working person is causing professional golfers around the world to miss time with their families just so they can compete. I thought of suggesting that Tiger be forced to play with a broken leg and a torn ligament in his knee, but he has already proven that that isn't much of a hindrance. If a lack of practice doesn't level the playing field, then we could consider making Tiger play with Phil Mickelson's clubs.

A final recommendation doesn't pertain to the activity on the field, but rather the concessions. When I attended my first major league baseball game, I bought four bags of peanuts for a quarter. Today, I doubt you can buy a single peanut for a quarter. This makes it really difficult for a father to take his son to a ball game. We have a program for women, infants, and children. How about a program for beer-guzzling dads and their sons? What is more American than taking your son to a baseball game and downing gallons of beer? A father shouldn't have to choose between that eighth beer or buying his son a hot dog. Of course, this program should only allow the father to buy cheap domestic beer, not that fancy imported swill. After all, we need to be principled about this and support American industries.

If our lives are to be governed by the idea that one man's need is a claim on the life and property of another, that the successful have a duty to sacrifice to the mediocre, that the talented and able should moderate their ambitions, if government must intervene in our businesses to create a "level playing field", then why shouldn't our games be governed by the same principles?


Mike N said...

Nice piece of satire. Well done.

Brian Phillips said...

Thanks Mike.

TK said...

Good one Brian,
I was thinking about writing a piece like this myself; except I was going to say that Kobe and Labron need their hamstrings cut. Glad to see someone beat me to it and did a better job than I could have.


Brian Phillips said...

Thanks TK. Cutting hamstrings is pretty nasty indeed, but in principle no different than throwing businessmen in jail for "anti-competitive" behavior.